It’s funny how freedom can
make us feel contained
Life was busy and contented with easy going. Daily
routines of exhausting me in office and sleeping in weekends were now the life
I lived upon. Once in a while meeting some friends or reading books were the
changes I look upon. But yes, one thing has never left me alone, i.e. music.
Whenever I feel sad or happy, I have listened songs of my choice. And it’s the
music which is my refuge from long time.
That day was nothing new. I was getting ready for the
office in the early morning when I friend of mine called and told me to book
his Tatkal ticket. In India, getting RDX
is much easier than getting a Taktal train ticket. I tried hard but
couldn’t get through. So I left home with heavy heart of not tickets done for
the friend. In this whole process of his booking, I had already missed my
office shuttle.
Now public transport was the only way to reach office. I love Bangalore’s
public transport except Auto-wallas. They seem to believe in only song “Teri keh ke lunga.” But since I
had no option, so took one auto-rickshaw to drop me till bus stand. The moment
I reached the bus stand, I saw the bus leaving, I shouted, yelled and was again
doomed by the fate. With the ipod pouring some sweet songs into my ears, I was
able to keep my calm. After fifteen minutes a mini bus came, I , without
wasting a single minute, jumped into it and managed to get one seat. As the bus
moved toward its destination, I relaxed myself on the seat with a change in
song. While I was listening this beautiful song from the movie “Tannu weeds
Mannu – Rangrez mere”, conductor lady shook me up for the bus fare. I was not
happy the way she asked for that. But then I again fall in the enigma of the
song. Suddenly I felt like someone had sprinkle water on my face. For a moment
I thought I am dreaming. Then again I felt the same. I opened my eyes and found
at my spectacles; there were some droplets of water. I stopped my playlist and
looked around. Just in front of me, a lady with long and wet hairs was
struggling for taking the money out of her purse and with her neck tilted to
keep her mobile between her shoulder and ear, one laptop hanging on one arm and
a purse on the other. I cleaned my spectacles and then tapped on her other
shoulder and, gave her my seat. She was so busy in phone and managing her
belonging that she didn’t thank me even. I again started my ipod and started
enjoying the songs. My destination was just about to come when she was done
with her call and she tapped me and said “thanks for giving me the seat”. I looked in her eyes and replied “Have you listened a song ‘rangrez mere from the
movie Tannu weeds mannu’? “ Before she could
answer my question or think more on it, conductor lady told me that my stoppage
had come. I got down and just looked at her with a smile.
Days were hectic in office and life beyond office was nothing easier. They
say that life is about balance. That it trades one sorrow for one joy and so
forth until it finds some kind of harmony. Well, I want none of it. I've never
been as dead as I was when I was balanced. I don't want life to be contained. I
want it unbound, inspired, alive. So
was just struggling with meeting both ends meet.
After nearly three weeks, again my bad time management led to missing of
my office shuttle and hailing public transport. Followed the same route, I
reached the bus stand and I got the bus in a moment, I was happy for that.
Again good luck favored me and I got a seat. This time I paid the conductor bus
fare earlier only and now I was relaxing with the “There She Goes by Sixpence
none the richer” with closed eyes and submerged in the thoughts of description
of Krishna by Radha in Geetgovind by Jayadeva. Someone distracted my dhyana ,
patting on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and paused the ipod. Looked behind me,
it was her. I unplugged my headphone and was ready to get up giving her the
seat. She said “I don’t need the seat, just one answer”. I had even forgotten our last short
conversation. So I got up and replied “take the seat and shoot your query”. She settled down and
then lift her head and said “You don’t come very often in buses, I looked
for you for last three week and here you come . Anyways, last time you asked me
to listen that song. I listened it, it was a good song. But why you said such
thing randomly”. I have even forget
the song I had told her. So playfully I asked her “So tell me which movie was it”, to get some clues.
She replied “Tannu weeds mannu”. I replied “Aaha, its rangrez mere song, I love it “. She looked at me
surprisingly and understood that I had forgotten the conversation. I replied
before she got angry
“Actually I was listening to that song on that day and just day before
that I was reading GeetGovind and many articles on Krishna radha love kathas
and you know words of Gurudev Tagore :
"O Death,
you are like Shyam [Krishna] to me
You are like the dark clouds,
red is the colour of your hands,
incarnadine red are your lips,
you take away all the pain and sufferings,
you are the death which gives us immortality."
And these words were echoing in
my mind when I heard that song
Rangrez mere do
ghar kyun rahe,
Ek hi rang mein dono ghar rang de, dono rang de,
And in
between all this, water droplets from your wet hair broke my solitude. I told
you to listen that song to image when a person is in such a meditative mood,
how he feels when something distracts.”
She didn’t know how to react on this, Good or bad expression.
She just burst into laughter and said “its hell lot
of thinking and I didn’t get much of it “. And suddenly
I realized my stop had come and so I said her Good bye and left. While getting
down from the bus, thinking about her laughter I just prayed God “bless her so that she can keep her
laugh always”. Moved to
office and that day was just flying in office. It was as if something touched
my soul and I was refreshed and happy.
Days and days passed and live moved on. Then one day I
received a mail with a heading “How is Radha Krishna love going on”. I opened the
mail and my heart was beating with double rate , don’t know why .She wrote
“ I got a glimpse on your office card on that day so googled
your name , found that you are all over internet and getting your email was not
at all a difficult task. So how is radha krishna’s love going on. Never saw you
again in the bus, so thought of dropping the mail.”
I went for an espresso shot; I really needed that before
replying her. After getting kicked by caffeine, I replied
“Thanks
for goggling. Your mail brought a smile on my face, but Radha Krishna story has
taken a twist. First let me tell you some part of Krishna radha story which I loved:
We
should not cling! A plague upon fundamentalists and literalists! I am reminded
of a story of Lord Krishna when he was a cowherd. Every night he invites the
milkmaids to dance with him in the forest. They come and they dance. The night
is dark, the fire in their midst roars and crackles, the beat of the music gets
ever faster - the girls dance and dance and dance with their sweet lord, who
has made himself so abundant as to be in the arms of each and every girl. But
the moment the girls become possessive, the moment each one imagines that
Krishna is her partner alone, he vanishes.
With
time Krishna fall in deep love with Radha, whom he used to meet every day on
the river bank and they used to spend lot of time in just talking to each
other. Kansa, krishna’s uncle who was trying hard to kill him, decided to make
a plot to kill him. So he invited him to Dhanush yajna. While Krishna was about
to start the journey to Kansa’s palace, He saw Radha standing in a corner
looking forlorn. He told her,”Don’t worry, Radha. I shall soon return and make
you my queen”. Radha looked at him and smiled with tears in her eyes. “I know
that will not be possible, you were a living the life of a cowherd. I am a
simple country girl and would die in the confines of a palace.. But promise me
two things”, she said, “Ask and they are yours” replied Krishna. “You must
always reside in my heart,”said Radha. ”And what is the second promise?” he
asked. “Let people know that the way to reach you is through me. Let our names
be used together in perpetuity” She said.
It was
for the first time Krishna was able to feel the pain of the milkmaids.
Sorry if
that bored you, but such fantastic pain of separation is well described in Galib's
words ". Woh jo ishq tha woh junoon tha, yeah jo hijre hai ye naseeb hai.
"
I think
its enough for you to declare that once in a bus you met a crazy software
engineer, who talks about philosophy more than engineering. Will like to see
your response on this.
I was expecting a
response of my mail but its been a week, she never responded, hence I dropped
her from my thought list J . Days went on and on and now I had moved from
Krishna’s love life to Lord shiva’s love life. After a long customer call , I
just opened by facebook account and say the first post as
Us roz darwaza to
band kiya tha maine
Khirkiyan bhi tab se kholi nahi hai
Phir kyun yaadon ke darichon se jhaktey ho tum
Main dur jitni bhi jaun....kyun mere piche
bhaagte ho tum
I smiled at it thinking it’s so true about life, the more we run away
from it, the more we entangled in it. Without any thought of her, I opened my
mailbox and saw her response. She replied back
“You seem to be more in thoughtful
about love than experiencing it. It was nice of you to write me such a story,
which I more or less understood. So tell me about yourself. Let me start, I am
Nitasha deshpande, working in Accenture as a business consultant. I don’t like
philosophy, but the way you mixed philosophy with romanticism I enjoyed it. I
love playing tennis, listening rock, watching movies and doing window shopping.
I liked reading management books as I want to climb up the latter faster. I
have a family with one younger brother and family settled in Mumbai. I have a
boyfriend who works in ANZ. I can dump him if I find a better option :p. That’s
all about me”
I read her mail twice and thought of immediately responding to her. But
then I decided to give it a thought before I respond. Responded her after one
week, not because I needed that much time but just to make sure that she feels
the same I felt for one week not receiving her mail. I replied:
“Sorry
for the delay response. It’s nice to know a lot about you. I am all on internet
and there is nothing different I can tell you about myself. Yes, in context of
your writing, I don’t play any games (not even computer games: other than packman,
which I play when I get stressed with work). I do like rock music but I have a
varied taste, I listen everything from Yo Yo honey singh to Eric Clapton, from
Korn to M.S.Subbulakshmi and nothing stays with me, I keep moving in music and
with music. I like watching movies but at my place, with my headphones in place
and with subtitles so I can understand what they are conversing. I don’t do
window or door shopping, and I think its ok for all men. Management books are a
bit scary for me and I am not ambitious for climbing the corporate ladder but
to some extent, my ambitions lie in spiritual pathway. I have two sisters; one
elder and one younger, elder one married and younger one rebellious like me. I
don’t have a girlfriend as in terms of modern world, but I do have many good
friends who are girls. Chalo, I have to
leave for a meeting so see you next time. Bfn.”
Some part of me wanted that its better that she won’t respond this time.
And I had enough work in my office and life to do. Sadly this time she
responded on the same day. And I kept scolding myself for seeing her reply at
that day. She responded:
“So you seem to have
varied taste in music and in living a life. Can we meet for a coffee today evening?
Else tomorrow sometime if it’s ok for you. “
I saw her email and then
downloaded Brain Damage of Pink floyd and started playing it in full volume
with my headphones in office, with my legs stretched on the table and head
leaned on the chair. I took a power nap in my cubical when one of my team-mate
came and muted my music. I woke up within minutes after music was turned down.
My teammates were laughing looking at me, one who muted the music said “you wake up within minutes after I turned
off the music, was it a lullaby you were listening”. I replied “I didn’t wake up because you stopped the music, I woke
up because everyone voice in office started disturbing my thoughts in sleep.
Music shuts off everyone’s voice and I enjoying submerged in my thoughts. Music
and noise are nothing different, they both have the same origin ‘notes’ , just
that music has those notes synchronous to each other and noise has those notes
in random order” Anyways, now I started finished up my official stuff and
decided not to respond her for few days.
After three days, she mailed again
“Hey, you don’t want to meet,
its ok. I am not going to bite you even if you meet. And you could say that you
are busy or something to buy time. Anyways, I just wanted have an advise from
you. I trust strangers more than friends & family for some things. My
boyfriend is from Tamil Naidu and I have lived most of my life in Mumbai or in
Bangalore. He is thinking of settling down in Chennai with family. I am
confused on Chennai thingy. I don’t know how that place and what kind of people
are there. . That’s the reason I wanted to meet you on a coffee and talk about”
I thought of again not replying her, I never wanted to participate in
someone’s personal life. But I couldn’t control myself. I replied:
Let’s meet on Thursday,
evening at 6:00pm at CCD near Ecospace.
I was pretty much excited to meet her and respond to her query with my
philosophical acumen. I reached there on time but no sign of her till 6:30pm.
She came in and I stood up. I don’t like when someone come late for meetings
(whether professional or personal meetings). She sat down and without
exchanging any words she just called the lady serving coffee and asked for
water. I asked “everything fine ma’am”. She looked at me and nodded her head stating yes. Once she
gulped the water, she said “I have a
client call at 6:30pm , and I told my manager that I am not well and will leave
for home early. He called me and told that he is waiting for me in the
downstairs and will drop me at home”. So he took me home
and then I came driving my cycle from home here and on the way I think I killed
a cow. I laughed at her and said “killed a cow by your cycle, good god. So will you take some
hot coffee or something to cool you down”. She said “have I gone mad, how can that cow was killed
when it was me who fall on the ground”
I replied, “you
reminded of a scene in Alice in wonderland:
The Mad Hatter(Johnny
Depp) : Have I gone Mad?
Alice: I’m afraid so.
You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. ALL the best people
are.
So stop thinking and have something now. She was bit of relived now and
we ordered two Aztec with double shot of caffeine. She started the conversation” So Mr Thinker, what do you think about love?
Is it madness or something really to be experienced? “
I started my reply with a small story:
I was reading a case
study by a psychologist few days back. He talked about his experience when he
was the head of mental asylum of New Jersey. One day few people called him in
his office telephone and told him that there is a person sitting in central
park, wearing a long white sheet and quietly muttering “gibberish”. His very
presence threatened the certitude of sanity of the community at large. Under
the pressure of people, I sent few workers from our asylum and brought that old
man into our asylum. This person was damn normal, just that he doesn't talk
with anyone and keep on mumbling “I am son of the God and I drink blood of
jesus”. Mayor of the city called me and patted me for our prompt action in
bringing such person in our center. Two days were over and then one morning
that old man asked me for making a phone call to his friend. He talked with
someone over the phone. That morning twenty other people wearing white sheets
arrived at hospital. Equally strangely clad, they were also equivalently
incomprehensible to the psychiatric staff. It turned out that these men and
women were all members of the same small rural church sect, a religious group who
define their identity in part by clothing themselves in the purity of white
cloth, and by the being divinely inspired to talk in tongues. The psychiatrist
in this case, being a practicing Roman Catholic ( who weekly ate and drank the
body and the blood of Jesus Christ) thought they were a queer bunch indeed. The
mayor of the city called me and asked me release that person immediately as
they were considered as higher spiritual religionists.
Moral of the story,
One such man is a lunatic, twenty constitute an acceptable and sane community.
Before I say anything, our coffee had been arrived. And she looked at me
and said
“Don’t tell me you think
being love is same as that lunatic person”. I smiled and
continuing sipping my coffee.
Once coffee is over, she said “since you have frantic views about love, I
think you have never experienced it and now I don’t know how you are gonna help
me in my question which I mailed you “
I replied
“Do you like Calvin
& Hobbes, let me show you one
So its upto you,
whatever you think will make better memories is good”
This was something which she
enjoyed and I could see smile on her face as if she has now trust on my
capabilities on answering her. I don’t know why I was trying to impress her by
my capabilities at that time. She asked,” So what you do think,
what should I do? Should I continue or tell Abhimaniyu about my feelings”
I replied “So its only Chennai which is hurting your relationship or
more than that.” I knew that its better not to dig deep but I just thought of
making it clear before commenting anything.
She replied “Currently
its Chennai only”.
I replied “If you
have time , I will tell you a very short story which I was reading few days
back.
You must have read
about Sati and Lord Shiva. Its Lord Shiva’s first wife who did self-immolation
and lord shiva carried her body to Mount Kailasha. But there is folklore in
norther Himachal Pradesh about her. Her name was Nanda or Gauri and she was
born in a palace. Being born and brought up in the palace and then her marriage
with Lord shiva, whose body was always covered in ash and had matted hair and
was always in Meditation in Mount Kailash. Her whole life changed when she
moved to Mount kailash where it was always snow and no trees or flowers or
folks to talk to. She had a very difficult life there but all she was satisfied
was that her husband, lord shiva, loves her and respect her very much.
The lord Shiva and
Sati’s love story is an example of eternal love.
If you know that
person loves you, then I don’t think place matter for you. “
She was silent, trying to grope words for further conversation. I
thought I had asked more personal stuff than I should have and said more personal
stuff that I should have. I looked outside, it was getting dark and she had
come on a bicycle so I told her to start for home and I also got up in the bus
and reached home.
Next morning I checked my mail, it had her mail with “thanks” and that’s all. I was expecting a bit more but
then knew expect the unexpected funda so got busy in my office work.
Days passed by and no mails. Then after nearly two weeks she mailed
again and asked for meeting again. I replied humorously about the agenda of the meeting to which she
replied “Let’s discuss about Calvin and Hobbes latest
edition
Calvin: Isn’t it strange that
evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it’s weird
that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We
like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate
absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make
sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
Calvin: (after
a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
I sent a smile and asked when and where. Response came “same place , same time”.
This time she came on time and we ordered the same Aztec with double
shot caffeine. We talked for more than two hours and she talked about her
upbringing, her family and friends and how they enjoy on weekends and how is
her work on weekday.
Initially I was a bit hesitant but then once I start,
there is nothing to stop me :p. After saying adios, we decided to meet again over the weekend.
Now the place and time has changed, we met in
an ice cream parlor and sat for more than 6 hours. I had to tell a lie to my
roommates that I am going to office and was praying to god that they shouldn’t
come to this parlor today.
...time was not just passing...it was turning in a circle...each time we meet; it looks like we have just started
talking to each other.
Intrigued
by that enigma, I dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest
I found love, because by trying to make her love him (her boyfriend) I ended up
falling in love with her.
Now every weekend, I used to meet her for hours
and hours and on weekday, we chat for some time. Office things were getting pending,
but not too much as I have devised some efficient ways of finishing my work earlier.
Sometimes we were so engrossed in our talks that we preferred death to
separation.
One day while on the evening coffee, one of my
teammates asked me “how is she”. I was shocked and choked as I had not
told anyone. She told me she saw us on last weekend, so I had nothing to hide
from her. I told her to swear to God not to tell anyone and I am happy that she
respected that privacy pact.
She asked me “So are you in love with her”
I shook my head and replied” Love is so simple that most of us start treating its
simplicity as delusion.”
Actually I was in a dilemma that I love her or not, I liked her as a
good friend and I hope same was for her. She already had a boyfriend and I was
never ready to accept any new responsibility in my life so I thought it better not
to tag this relationship with any name.
Then it became a habit of spending weekends with her and I had lost the
fear of being found with her as I deep down in my mind had clarity of thought
that she was never mine and I had no intentions of making her mine too . I
enjoyed her company. Each time we meet, I used to tell her many stories and she
used to laugh at them. All I wanted is capture that laughs of her and live with
it.
One day she mailed me during office hours to send her my phone number so
I exchanged my number with her. She called me at that moment. I was in a
meeting for my project so I cut the call. But she kept calling me relentlessly.
I came out of the meeting and picked it up. She yelled at me “Where were you, I am trying to call you from
past half an hour and you were cutting my call. All said and done, come to your
building exit, I am waiting for you”.
I wanted to tell her that I was in a meeting but she didn’t give a
chance to speak. I told my manager for urgency, he knew me from past five years
so he didn’t question me anymore. I reached near the exit with many thoughts
flooding my mind. Saw her waving out of a car and she called me to join in.
When I reached near the car, she said “Come on, why are you so lethargic at times? Meet this is Abhimaniyu and
we are going for marrying in court. You will sign for us, one from my side we
have got and one Abhimaniyu will arrange, now come on, and get inside the car.
The court will close by 5:00pm and it’s already 3:00pm. If I will not get
married today, then it will be never“. I entered the car
and shook hand with Abhimaniyu, he was a stud kind of person. He started
driving the car and I was looking outside when he said “I have heard a lot
about you and your stories. Mostly all our conversation has some stories from
you. So can you tell us some story now, I have never heard from you so I would
be great. “
I thought but not for a while and said
“It’s not a story, it’s
something that happened today. I was ordering my food in our cafeteria today
when I saw a child staring at the pastry. I asked him why he isn’t eating it.
He replied apprehensively that when the pastry will end, it will make me sad
and hence I am unable for me to eat it.”
I gave it a thought for a moment and realized that he is right and indeed it is
a universal truth. We all start thinking about the end even before we begin .In
every beginning there is an end. Happiness and Sadness are a part and parcel of
life but we have to begin to experience it”
The story made the environment silent and thoughtful. In order to break
the ice, I asked him to switch on the radio.
On radio, the RJ said “This is
the last song of my show today , its from the movie ‘Tannu weeds mannu’ and the
song is “Rangrez mere”
Regards,
Aditya Deadpan