Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Suicide and Mathematics

You can win an argument from a lady(some probability) but its difficult to surpass the innocence and intelligence of the kids. I have a fascination about Forensic anthropology or criminology. I can think of the most gruesome plot to a very simple murder spree. But while discussing on some of the very fundamental things with my 11 years old nephew, i accepted the defeat today.

It all started with

a news on the paper "husband committed suicide after killing wife and kids" . My nephew asked " Machoo, what is suicide ?".

I thought for a while and replied " When people have lots of problems and they don't know how to solve them, Suicide becomes a generic solution for their problem ".

He replied "Why don't they give their problems to others to solve and then they don't need this suicide kind of thing".

I was thinking "how ignorant this kid is, he doesn't know about the brutality of life ", but replied calmly " no beta ji, we can't give our problems to others and why will others solve our problems. Everyone's life is filled with problems, so all are busy with their own lives and their own worries ".

He replied " Its not fair, i think we can just give it to others".

I asked "Ok, dude so if you mean we should share, then i agree. Sometimes just speaking out help us, but its not that others will solve our problems".

He replied " Machu, you know people should learn from Mathematics " .

I interrupted him "learn from mathematics or learn mathematics , do you mean Mathematics is more complex than the problems of life".

He emphasized "I said 'Learn from mathematics'. Mathematics has tons of problems from first grade till my fifth grade and i heard we will keep on solving its problems till tenth standard, but does mathematics commit suicide. No, it just gives its problems to others to solve and live happily ..!!"

I closed my eyes and slept for half an hour to absorb that whole thought.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Life doesn't give you the answers at the end of the chapters, only more questions.

It’s been more than a six months I have written anything. But this was not really which I ever thought of penning down. All I can say:

“Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.” 

Few months back I started reading some psychological books, two important learning or earnings: 

a)  If we go back in history, we will find Men psychology revolves around his biggest fear i.e. Death. Even if we go back in one of the early works of the literature, Epic of Gilgamesh, an epic poem from Mesopotamia, is amongst the earliest surviving works of literature. Here we find the protagonist, Gilgamesh and his fear of death , whether through his  allying with Enkidu, a primitive man created by God's to fight with Gilgamesh  or while searching for immortality after Enkidu death and interactions with Utnapishtim . 

b) If we go back in history, we will find Women psychology revolves around the attempt to regain their status as full-fledged human beings, to be accepted as the natural equals of men, and no longer to be used as a repository for the projected evil that males thus disown. Reason for this was: Women are to blame for all trouble in the world.

 Even if we go back to Bible: When God confronted Adam in the Garden of Eden, HE thundered the accusation "Have you eaten of the tree, of which I commanded you not to eat?” And Adam, trembling and ashamed in his nakedness, copped out "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, She gave me the fruit of the tree, and I ate." 

And in the Epic of Gilgamesh, when mighty Gilgamesh selected a beautiful prostitute to bring Enkidu from his hole, it brought the myth of feminine evil: The female is the "dangerous sex" whose task it is to stir man's lust, but who in so doing betrays them and robs them of their powers. 

An old Hebrew tradition holds that the first creation including a female called Lillith. She was the very first defender of the cause of women's liberation. When Adam told Lillith that she was to obey his wishes, she replied "We are equal; we are made of the same earth ". So saying she flew up into the air and transformed her into a demon that ate children. Even that early, women who not subjugated themselves to the will of men were seen as Witches. 

Now here is a view of modern world:

Gayatri Loko was born in a very poor family of Monpa tribe, residing in the Sela range of West Kameng in Arunachal Pradesh. Traditionally, the Monpa tribe was a Buddhist tribe which had its roots in Tibet .Real problem started when in 1914 , British government ,ruling India, had a treaty with Tibetan Government for McMohan Line, which was never accepted by the Chinese government after independence and resulted in 1962 war between the two countries. The war has resulted in the termination of trade with Tibet. 

Gayatri's grandparents had a strong hold in the carpet making business but sudden termination of trade with Tibet, had brought them in the lower strata of the society. Her family had lost all their land and even their only ancestral house, in repaying the loan they had lend and they worked as daily wagers in other's fields. There was only one school in their region and Gayatri father had put her in the school. She was good in studies, might the conditions of the family and the sacrifices of her parents had become inspiration for her. She always used to stand first in her class and also after her school time, she used to help her family in fields. She had a keen interest in learning their traditional art but she couldn't find anyone in the village practicing that. Gayatri had grown up in age as well in wisdom.

With the growing conflicts between India, China and Tibet, the Kameng region became the epicenter of the contentions. Whole area was boiling with Military tensions, long term curfews and insurgency of Chinese troops. Gayatri's father decided to send her to Itanagar to her aunt to continue her studies. She was not happy with that decision of her father but she knew it was for her good. She moved to Itanagar and joined a school. After school, she often used to help her aunt in house-hold work. Every year in her summer vacation she used to go to her village and spent time with her family. After completing her education in school, she joined Rajiv Gandhi University, the only university in Arunachala Pradesh. Once she completed her graduation, she moved to Hyderabad for higher studies. She joined a reputed institute for pursuing her higher studies in Social Studies. As some-one said "The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest challenge is being happy with what you find." She was among the few people who had accomplished the second challenge successfully. Her room-mate Preeti, from delhi, was also a highbrow but witty one. Preeti knew that Gayatri was very hard-working so every day morning she used to wake up early and used to switch off Gayatri's alarm. She used to do all kind of tricks against Gayatri. 

Gayatri's school-mate at Itanagar and her best friend Geeta's brother was in Hyderabad. He used to work at a salad bar near Gayatri's college. She used to meet him nearly every weekend. One day, while talking with him she told him about the tricks of Preeti. Sanjay tried to diffuse the situation with some humor, he said:

“Gantabyer dike jao, sathik path bechhe nao, sab kichu pichone fele, jara saamne tader chaariye jao…..

taholei tumi ekjon bhalo rickshaw-wala hote parbe!!!”

(Move towards your destination, choose the correct path, leave everything behind, overtake those in front of you….. then you can become a good rickshaw-puller….)

He told Gayatri to bring her books in his shop and study there in a corner if she wanted. Initially, she used to come not often but then it became her daily routine to come to his salad bar and sit in a corner with her books. Sometimes Sanjay used to make salad or sandwich for her as she knew her financial conditions. With weeks and then months passed-by, she became very close to Sanjay. One of the reason for that him being a very good listener and as someone said "If we can tell our story to someone who listens, really listens, we find it easier to deal with our circumstances."

Often children understand better than we do. I once heard a delightful story about a little boy who was late getting home one day.  When his mother asked why he was late, he explained that he had stopped to help a friend whose bicycle had broken down.

“But you don’t know how to fix a bicycle,” his mother said.  

“No,” the little boy said, “But I stopped to be with him while he cried.”

Sanjay also had a soft corner for her. But he had one bad habit. He was some kind of drug addict, every day he used to take spasmo proxyvon (SP) tablets or nitrosun-10 (N-10) tablets. Shamefully, these tablets are easily available in at drug store in our country (if you pay 3 times more than its price, most of the chemists are ready to give it without prescription).

Sanjay kept this as a secret from her. And since she never found anything suspicious in his behavior, so no guessed. One day police raided few chemists in their surroundings, hence for next few days, Sajay found it difficult to get his hands on his addictions. With each days moving, he started behaving frantically. And one day when she came to salad bar, she found Sajnay not at work. She checked with the owner and he was also clueless. Blackened in her thoughts, she decided to reach at his place. She reached at Sanjay's place and knocked his door reluctantly. Sanjay's room-mate opened the door, whom she had met in salad bar many time. He told her that sanjay was not well. She thought as a courtesy to ask for his wellness. Unaware of Sanjay's addiction and dirty mind of his room-mate she entered into the house. As soon as she went in Sanjay's room, his room-mate called his two more friends and closed the Door and the windows. They baited Sanjay for providing him adequate supply of the drugs and anxiety-driven Sanjay couldn't really make out what was happening there. His friend’s gang-raped Gayatri .Once they are done, they waited for the night. In the night, they took unconscious Gayatri to Manjira River and pushed her in the waters. 

Fortunate or unfortunate Gayatri was seen by some passer-by. Soon her room-mate was called and a message was sent to her family. When her father reached hospital and saw her daughter in such a condition, he was completely broken down. After hearing her story, he went to police station but police refused to take the complaint saying that it was consensual and she was involved with Sanjay & his friend and it was a suicide case. Her father tried hard but police didn't do anything. 

Knowing about all this, Gayatri started developing paranoid feelings; spend her days sitting in a corner of the room. Currently Gayatri is a mere subject patient in National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences for Post-Rape trauma syndrome students. 

I met her two months back when a friend of mine, doing his masters in Psychiatry from that institute, told me about her. Looking at Gayatri, more or less dead, it reminded me of the following lines:

khanjar se haathon pe lakeerin koyi bhala kya likh paya 

humne magar ek pagalpan mein khud ko chuna hai seene mein      

I spent some time reading on Post rape Trauma:

Rape: It's the ultimate breach of boundary between the self and the outside world.

When soldiers want to terrorize a population, they rape. The rape lets others know “who's the boss “. And when the raped victims have children, the children carry the seed of the rapists. So no one forgets who's the boss.

Rape is not just unwanted sex, it is a highly traumatic experience and like other serious traumas, it has negative effects on those who survive it. Rape is usually experienced as life threatening and as an extreme violation of a person. It is not surprising then, that many rape survivors suffer from a particular kind of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, known as Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS).

RTS has not only stress disorders on the victim but also on the victim’s family and friends. Remembering an old hindi movie “Ankush”, which had this prayer “Itni Shakti humme dena data , maan ka vishwas kamzoor ho naa “ In this movie, the rape of Anita (Around which whole plot of the movie revolves)  at the hands of her employers , ignited a fire of vengeance in her four friends (roles played by Nana Patekar ,Rabia Amin ,Raja Bundela and Arjun Chakraborty) .

Gayatri’s case was not like the one depicted in the movie. For some people life just seems like chapters of sufferings. Her father after admitting her in NIMHAS, left for Kameng but never reached home. She joined as a patient two years back and now is a subject for Master’s students.

Today the whole country has started celebrating Durga-puja. Durga Puja festival marks the victory of Goddess Durga over the evil buffalo demon Mahishasura. Thus, Durga Puja festival epitomizes the victory of Good over Evil.  And now the whole country is filled with many Mahishasuras and we are just chanting Maa Durga’s stotram

अयि शतखण्ड विखण्डित रुण्ड वितुण्डित शुण्ड गजाधिपते 
रिपु गज गण्ड विदारण चण्ड पराक्रम शुण्ड मृगाधिपते 
निज भुज दण्ड निपातित खण्ड विपातित मुण्ड भटाधिपते 
जय जय हे महिषासुरमर्दिनि रम्यकपर्दिनि शैलसुते ॥४॥ **

Remember we did the same when Mahmud of Ghazni raided Somnath temple seventeen times and people of Indian subcontinent kept praying for God to come & help, rather than standing against him.


Aditya deadpan

** It means Victory and victory to you, Oh darling daughter of the mountain, Oh Goddess who breaks the heads of ogres, In to hundreds of pieces, Who cuts the trunks of elephants in battle, Who rides on the valorous lion, Which tears the heads of elephants to pieces, Who severs the heads of the generals of the enemy, With her own arms, Who has captivating braided hair, Who is the daughter of a mountain. And who is the slayer of Mahishasura


     a)   Recovering From Rape by Linda E. Ledray [ ISBN-10: 0805029281]

     b)    After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Raine  [ISBN-10: 0609804197]

"Silence has the rusty taste of shame. The words shut up are the most terrible words I know. . . . The man who raped me spat these words out over and over during the hours of my attack--when I screamed, when I tried to talk him out of what he was doing, when I protested. It seemed to me that for seven years--until at last I spoke--these words had sunk into my soul and become prophecy. And it seems to me now that these words, the brutish message of tyrants, preserve the darkness that still covers this pervasive crime. The real shame, as I have learned, is to consent to them."

   c)     The Truth About Rape by Teresa M Lauer MALMHC [ ISBN-10: 0966207815]


   e)     Epic of Gilgamesh


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Morning walk

Morning walks are always blissful . Sometimes i click . Sometimes i meet old friends on the way (Avinash) And sometimes I enjoy listening stories by my mother.

Once God decended to earth . HE was very tensed. A man asked HIM the reason. 

HE replied "Where ever I go, you ,humans,follow me , I want some peace of mind from you people. I want to spend sometime with my family. I want to have some life "

Man said " ok, hide yourself in that rusted place"

Few days back , That person saw again God rubbing his forehead , so he again asked HIM .

HE replied "Humans even found me there and made that place as a huge temple , i kept changes my place and they keep on making temples whereever i may roam. I am again pissed off. Any other suggestions ?"

Man said " Ok then go under water "

After few days ,again God met that person.

HE said "Now they even started praying to water, doing holy bath and blah blah stuff"

Man said " ok , then Go and hide yourself in fire"

same thing happened, furstrated God tried fire and then air ,space, rain, animals but all in vain.

Sitting alone at a river side ,looking at the vastness of the sky ,thinking about how his own creation giving HIM a hard time.
Suddenly HE saw the same person coming .HE thought of asking him again but then a thought came to his mind "Each time i ask this person where to hide ,and people find me .After all he is a human, he can't be trusted. May be ,he is the one who always reveal my secret to people and let them find me. Let me try one thing. This time I will hide myself in his soul"

And from then onward God lived happily.

Silence Prevails,
Aditya Deadpan 

A little conversation

Visited my cousin's place yesterday . His eleven year old son was reading Times of India  and was reading the news "Woman in UK watched lover in Delhi slash himself to death over 10 hours".

He was struck with the line "Rowland had been hallucinating the day before too. " . 

He said " Machu* , what does hallucinating  mean?" 

I was ready with my tech talks on psychological disorders but  had to refrain myself keeping his age in mind and the way whole family was staring at me.

Tried to explain him in simple terms that  " when things don't exist , but still we think they exists "  

He interrupted " So God is a hallucination, because no body knows where HE exists".

I knew where its going and i could see this from the crooked smiles on everyone's face. They wanted me to fall in this trap of simplicity and innocence where ignorance is termed as innocence and knowledge is considered as complicated and complex solutions to confuse others. At some point of time i was thinking about Sheldon of Big band Theory . 

Sheldon: Why are you crying? 
Penny: Because I'm stupid! 
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Everyone seems to me as sadists as they were having fun in this kid screwing my life with his questions. 

I replied : No kiddo , God is not a hallucination. HE exists but has hidden himself in a secret place.

He asked : Ok, Can't Sherlock Holmes even find him ?

I replied : No , not even Sherlock Holmes.

He asked : So whats Hallucination then ?

I replied : Ok, its like Kurt Cobain said " I'm so happy because today I found my friends - they're in my head.". So when things exist in your mind but they really aren't. 

He interrupted me : Kurt Cobain ,is he the same guy from Nirvana band who died due to some overdose of cocaine ? 

Everyone was looking at my face and i was also shocked .

I replied with my head down : Yes, but he didnt die of consuming due to overdose of cocaine . I have read his suicide letter. He was a gem, a legend better than your Justin .

He said : I am not arguing who is better here : Kurt or Justin . But as per i know it was Kurt who said 'I'm too busy acting like I'm not Naive. I've seen it all, I was here first.'

I was doomed so i replied : lets talk about what is hallucination ? Forget kurt and all i said . See when people talk about something which is unreal and they believe have either experienced or are experiences those unreal things .. like when we wake up in the morning , sometimes when can't differentiate between our dream land and real world . foreg you were having a dream of enjoying in a fun park with full of ice cream and chocolate and no mommy or papa to restrict you from eating them , then suddenly mommy wakes you up and say "get a bath in 5 minutes , breakfast is ready ,your school bus will be at the stop in 20 minutes" so if that small fraction of time ,when you were unable to move from that fun park to real world , continues and you in your mind stayed in your dreamland , then thats hallucination. Since there is no fun world other than in imagination and in reality its all about mommy/papa yelling at you .

 Now i was enjoying the moment as it seems like i had hit the nail , bhaiya bhabhi were a bit angry on me for enlightening their kid the harsh reality of life .

But then I saw tears in kids eyes. So I continued my tech talk : Don't think imaginations don't come to reality. Haven't your read 'Alice in wonderland'. There is a wonderland where one can have unlimited ice cream and chocolate and one can sleep as well as one wants , no school , no teacher.

He was again happy .But I never knew his happiness was a curse for me .

He said : Machu , have you heard Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit. 

I replied : Yes, but it has to do with hallucinations.

He said : 
With its enigmatic lyrics, "White Rabbit**" became one of the first songs to sneak drug references into Alice in wonderland story. It mentions that Alice was doped and whatever she saw as just an aftermath effect of drugs . 

I replied : Ah, gravity  - thou art a heartless bitch.

I was thinking to run from there but all wanted me to finish this whole conversation. No one consoled me for my grievance , in fact the world was enjoying it.

My mother whispered in my ear "what the hell you are giving this kid"
I replied in same low volume tone into her ear “I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.”

Though my about statement confused few . I was thinking of following  “If you can't convince them, confuse them.”

I replied :Kiddo you are damn right . Mostly hallucinations are caused by drugs and bad bad things. but sometimes this effect of thinking imaginary things continues even without drugs. These are some crazy people , who think crazy things .
I looked at my face and said : I think my class teacher is on drugs or she is crazy .

All were shocked by his words. i asked : why do you think so?

He said : My teacher is always talking to her imaginary friend named "Class" 

I got up and said "Bhabhi , i have some official stuff to finish. I think from this point, you can carry forward" and i came home .

Silence Prevails,
Aditya Deadpan 

* Machu : its a mixture of Mamu and Chachu as there is still confusion on who am I for him. Bhabhi is from jammu and was our neighbour so she introduces me to everyone as her brother. Bhaiya is son of my father's best friend , so he introduce me to everyone as his brother . So confused kid gave me a title of 'Machu'

** "White Rabbit" is a song from Jefferson Airplane's 

One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the door mouse said;
"Feed YOUR HEAD...
Feed your head" 

Sunday, March 11, 2012


As far as I have read, there are two stories in Hindoo Mythology which talks about ultimate submission.

One of the story is known as Gajendra Moksha :

There was a beautiful mountain named Trikuta. The waves of the ocean lapped at the foot of Trikuta. There were thick forests on the mountain. And in the forests there lived a king of elephants named Gajendra. He ruled over all the other elephants in the herd. One day Gajendra was playing with his family & friends, the other elephants in a lake in the forest. Suddenly, a crocodile that lived in the pond caught Gajendra by his leg. Gajendra, in spite of being an elephant could not break free. He then, called out for help. All his friends, the other elephants gathered around him and tried to help, but in vain. The crocodile was stronger than all the elephants put together. They gave up. Gajendra tried for a long time to escape from the crocodile. He trumpeted until he was hoarse. The crocodile simply would not let go.

Gajendra Moksha – Elephant Kings’ total Surrender

The elephant and the crocodile struggled for a thousand years. When a thousand years over, the elephant began to tire, although the crocodile’s strength was still undiminished. Gajendra lost a lot of blood and he became very weak. He finally realized that only God could help him and called out to Lord Narayana. The elephant started to pray to Lord Vishnu. Lord Vishnu heard Gajendra’s cries for help and appeared on his vehicle, Garuda. He sent the Sudarshana Chakra whirling down. The Chakra killed the crocodile and set Gajendra free. Gajendra offered Lord Narayana a Lotus and thanked him for saving his life.

And other story is of Draupadi. After I read about her submission ,I read few books on her or the plot of Mahabharatha to understand herself.Took me sometime but I found it worth sharing.

 If you wish to download it , here is the link : http://www.slideshare.net/addogra/draupadi

 Silence prevails,
Aditya Deadpan